Different people have different sexual triggers and desires, so how do we work to bridge that gap within any given relationship? How can people have sex that’s hot, intimate and satisfying for everyone involved?
The answer came to me just recently, and it's this: negotiation.
My Desires, Your Desires
Kink negotiation is all about making sure that everyone feels heard, safe and satisfied before, during and after a scene.
But good negotiation begins with one thing: knowing your own desires well enough to share them with others ... which is easier said than done.
Cultural shame around sexuality is a big reason why so many of us have problems not only speaking about our desires but also grasping them in the first place.
If the very thought of something arousing sends you into a spiral of shame and embarrassment, that’s where you need to start. Overcoming a lifetime of internalized sexual shame can be difficult, but it’s an endeavor that’s worthy of your time and commitment.
Now, assuming that you are not ashamed of your desires and that you can talk about them, you’ve got the first thing you need for negotiating with partners and lovers.
The next thing you need is good listening skills. It’s not enough to be able to express your desires — you also must listen to others’ desires without judgment.
We have a saying in the kink community: YKINMY (short for Your Kink Is Not My Kink).
That’s the attitude that kinky people have around things that don’t turn them on. We accept others’ kinks even if they are different from our own, and even if they are 'squicky' for us. If we come to the kink community for non-judgmental acceptance of who we are among same-minded people, then it’s only fair that we extend this non-judgmental attitude towards others.
My own kink negotiation skills have made me more ready to accept that most men in my life may be turned on by things other than what turns me on. I now find myself less annoyed by the fact that they like a revealing piece of clothing where I would prefer a dirty story. I satisfy them ... and they satisfy me in return!
Also, being around things that squick me at parties and being able to observe them without judgment has made me more aware of the wide variety of desires that exist, and that my own desires are just a tiny part of them. They’re not “more natural” or “better” or whatever. They’re just mine. And thankfully, I can find people to share and satisfy them with.
So, by openly sharing your desires with potential partners, you can determine whether your desires align.
It’s okay if they don’t — at least you talked about it and you know, and now neither of you will waste your time on activities that will be disappointing to both of you.
Kinky Negotiating Skills
Negotiation is a skill that is so essential to the kink and BDSM lifestyle that we have workshops about it, books about it, blog posts about it, articles about it and more. The art of kink negotiation and the creation of BDSM relationship contracts is what often makes the difference between a popular player and someone who’s always left behind at parties, whether they’re a top or a bottom.
Kinksters have long known that engaging in thorough contract negotiation helps them achieve several things: getting to know a partner, ensuring that everyone is heard, and planning a fun, satisfying scene for everyone involved. Negotiation is the basic mode of interaction between players, and it continues on during, and even after, a scene.
So what do kinksters know about bridging desire gaps? A lot, actually.
Say you’re a new-ish bottom who wants to experiment with whips for the first time. You’re imagining cracking sounds and burning red welts, a sadistic torturer counting the strikes ... all the things we see in movies and TV shows.
Except, you’re not likely to find a top who’ll do these things for you on your first try, especially not if you’re playing with them for the first time.
Even if the top’s desires also involve fantasies of long torture sessions, raised welts on bare backs, and uncontrollable weeping, it makes no sense to do that until you’re both very experienced — not only with whips but also with each other.
So what happens instead looks like this:
You say: “I want welts.”
They say: “Let’s start slowly and see where it goes.”
Sometimes it’s the opposite: an over-eager top wants to try something a bit extreme with a bottom who expresses a different, milder desire.
Unless your desires differ deeply, either in substance or in style, more often than not you can find a nice middle ground where both top and bottom can have fun.
But I'm Not Kinky!
Whips and chains don’t excite you? That’s fine. You can still learn from the way kinksters negotiate scenes (and larger relationships) to have a better sex life thank yours is currently.
Vanilla people also have limits, as well as desires and needs of their own.
People in monogamous relationships can’t just negotiate once and then assume that things will never change — women’s sexuality, especially, is known to be fluid and changeable over time. So negotiating sex, whether it’s wearing a revealing nightie to flare up a man’s desires or providing a night of sensual massages and emotional intimacy for your girlfriend, is an important skill that everyone should have, whether they like kinky sex or not.
Above all, the first step towards a satisfying sex life has always been, and should continue to be, developing communication and negotiation skills.
Knowing what turns your partner on, expressing what turns you on, and finding a way to make both people happy despite different desires and sexual cues, make for happier sex lives and happier relationships.
http://www.yourtango.com/2017301824/how-bdsm-relationship-contracts-negotiated-and-even-non-kinksters-should-try
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