There’s a difference between kinky and abusive and we need to be clear about that

by Rebecca Reid

When I was a teenager I moved to London and spent lots of my time messing around on the BDSM scene.
Now, I’m not saying that London’s underground sex scene is perfect, but one thing it is really good about is educating newer members about the difference between kinky and abusive.
Lots has changed since I found the fetish scene, nearly a decade ago. Kinky sex is no longer the preserve of a dedicated community. It’s common. Really, really common. Whether you want to experiment with rough sex, bondage, breath play, spanking or slapping, it’s all on the table.
I regularly hear stories from friends who’ve gone home with people they met on Tinder and found themselves getting spanked during sex, without any consent or negotiation. 

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

That’s the thing about kinky sex. 

It had a negotiation. 

The protracted process of contract negotiation in 50 Shades of Grey might not be realistic, but the element of discussion definitely is. 

If you’re planning to have kinky sex with someone from the world of BDSM, they’ll ask you about limits. Preferences. Hard limits and soft ones, likes and dislikes. They won’t (or at least they absolutely shouldn’t) just start tying you up. But because the kinky sex has become separated from this niche community which had its own rules and regulations, the idea of negotiation and pre-agreed limits are no longer an automatic given. 

If you’re in a relationship where kinky sex isn’t a thing, the rule is pretty clear: you just don’t hit your partner at all. Ever. But if you’re a kinky person who likes spanking, or any other type of hitting, suddenly that boundary is blurred. It’s those blurred lines which make it possible to excuse abusive behavior as kinky behavior. 

Informed consent 

The number one difference between playing at rough sex and assaulting your partner is consent. 

You cannot be too clear about consent. Talk about it, discuss it over message or email. Ask direct questions. Do not assume. Just because someone is happy for you to slap their face doesn’t mean they’ll be happy for you to pull their hair. It might seem dry or dull, but you need to understand exactly what your partner’s limits are before you start trying things out. You do not ever just hit someone and see how they react – even if it’s gentle. 

Safe word 

I know safe words sound a bit silly, but they’re really important. If you’re playing with a safe word then the submissive partner always had a control switch, which means that the play is less likely to get out of hand. Some experienced partners will play without safe words, which is kind of controversial even among the BDSM community. But honestly if you’re not super confident in your partner’s sexuality, just use one. 

Negotiation 

An abusive partner will push the person they’re having sex with past where they feel comfortable, either trying to force them to try things they don’t want to talk, take more extreme pain or submit to kinky sex when they’re not in the mood. 

Just because someone has consented to have their hair pulled or to be spanked before doesn’t mean that you have carte blanche for the rest of forever. It’s certainly never, ever okay to hit your partner out of the blue just because you’ve done it before. 

Emotional support 

A really good sign about a sexual partner is that they can cope if something goes wrong. If your partner uses their safe word, you should be apologetic, understanding and kind. You should never, ever treat them like they’ve failed and you certainly shouldn’t just keep doing what you were doing before but a bit more gently. 

Safe wording isn’t a disaster, but it’s a moment to take stock and reflect on what happened and how to avoid it happening again. Similarly, it’s abusive to emotionally blackmail your partner into playing with you if they don’t want to. They don’t need an excuse to say no. Just because kinky sex was hot last week doesn’t mean that you’re done with vanilla forever.

Aftercare 
You have to accept that if you’re having very rough or kinky sex with another person, you owe them aftercare if they need it. It’s unacceptable to have very kinky sex with someone and then not reply to their messages. You’ve gone through something intense which has released all sorts of endorphins. You owe that person some aftercare. Aftercare can be anything from hanging out together talking to providing sugary drinks and emotional support. But if you’ve just acted out all of your filthiest fantasies, you owe your sexual partner that much. If you don’t want to keep seeing the person you’ve done this with, that’s fine, but you need to respectfully explain that. It’s very bad form to ghost someone you’ve bruised. 

The bottom line is this: 
Anyone who makes you feel guilty about how hard you’re willing to play or for having limits is abusive and you should end your connection with them immediately. 
Anyone who makes you feel that you’re worthless or unwanted if you won’t have sex with them is not a good partner – even if you’re not in a formal relationship. 
Anyone who has had intense kinky sex with you and then denied you emotional support afterwards is not someone you should sleep with again.

Read more: https://metro.co.uk/2018/06/11/difference-kinky-abusive-need-clear-7616653/?ito=cbshare
Twitter: https://twitter.com/MetroUK | Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MetroUK/