The wild and kinky world of BDSM - Part 2

How to get started in BDSM

Photo via istolethetv/Flickr (CC-BY)

1. Think about what you want
If you want to get into the world of domination and bondage, then you need to think about what you want from BDSM. Do you want to be a submissive who’s spanked and whipped by your dom? Do you want to be a top who hooks up with bottoms? Maybe a bit of both?

Before diving in, sit down and make a list of what you want and what you don’t want. In The New Bottoming Book, authors Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy recommend making a list with three categories: “Yes,” “No,” and “Maybe” (F-List is a great online resource that allows you to do just that). Then, add all the kinks, roleplays, positions, and sexual experiences you can think of under these categories. This can be a great way to understand what you want in a sexual relationship, and what you’d rather pass on.

From there, look at your list, and think about what kind of role you want to take on during BDSM. If you like being in control or inflicting pain (and pleasure), you might just be a top. On the other hand, if you want to receive all of that humiliating control from a powerful presence, you may be a bottom. And if you want a little bit of both, then you’re a switch. That means you get to play with different roles depending on your partner (or the scene at hand). Some play partners even switch up their dominant and submissive roles, allowing the dom to occasionally become a sub and vice-versa.

BDSM is pretty versatile. But it’s important to do some soul searching and figure out what role you want to try out before hopping in. It’s never fun to be topping mid-scene and realize that you actually want to bottom.

2. Practice, practice, practice

Screengrab via Rope Baby/YouTube

BDSM is geeky. It’s a sexual practice based on plenty of research and fine-tuning. Whether it’s tying that perfect knot, slapping a sub at just the right speed and position, or figuring out your favorite position to be dominated, improving as a top or bottom is all about studying and working for it. And when it comes to more risky play, that means spending plenty of time planning beforehand.

If you want to learn the basics of BDSM play, go to a 101 workshop in your nearby area. In New York City and Seattle, feminist sex shop Babeland regularly hosts introductory BDSM sessions. Meetup can be a great way for finding groups that focus on kink exploration and education, too.

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Also, pick up some books on BDSM while you’re at it. The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book are both great resources for learning more about taking on topping and bottoming roles. There’s also Clarisse Thorn’s The S&M Feminist, which looks at BDSM from a sex-positive feminist perspective.

Books that specialize in certain forms of sex or sexuality are often great resources, too, and can round out BDSM play by bringing on larger aspects of sex. Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon and kd diamond provides an enormous encyclopedia of information about girls and their bodies, with a particular focus on trans women. For anyone and everyone who has an interest in play with women, then Girl Sex 101 is a definitive read to giving pleasure.

3. Find play partners

Photo via Quinn Dombrowski/Flickr (CC-BY-SA)

One of the hardest parts of BDSM is finding people to play around with. Sex is already taboo in the United States—never mind BDSM. There are some options to find doms, subs, and kinksters to play with, though.

For one, if you’re currently in a relationship, talk to your partner about BDSM. They may have experience of their own with kink, or they may be interested in experimenting with dom and sub roles. Plus, a romantic or sexual partner is a great tag along for any local workshops and events, and having your significant other by your side at parties can help calm beginners’ nerves.

If you’re single or in an open relationship, there’s plenty of other ways to find play partners. Usually, interested kinksters can attend a munch, where interested and veteran BDSM players alike get together and get to know each other. Play isn’t permitted here; it’s simply a social gathering for people to learn more about BDSM. There are also sloshes, where kinksters can meet up in a lounge or bar and grab a drink under similar circumstances.

Online, the MALL Directory is a great way to find munches and sloshes. Meetup also hosts plenty of BDSM groups around the world. And if you want to learn more about what to expect at a munch, check out this write-up on Caryl’s BDSM Page.

Once you’re a bit more seasoned, local newsletters and online groups can help clue kinksters into events happening in their nearby community. The Wink, for example, hosts a weekly list of events in the New York City area to join, like play parties and leather nights. The BDSM Events Page runs a calendar listing conventions throughout the year, too, serving as a great resource for tracking kink events nationwide.

Taking the first step into the world of kink can be scary. Everyone is a little nervous during their first munch or play scene. But soon enough, those initial fears fade and apprehension turns into excitement. So don’t hold back. Enjoy yourself, even if it hurts a little. And embrace the bottom or top (or switch) that you were always meant to be.

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